12 Jan 2016

Am I too sensitive?

Geezzs, it seems like for ages tak update anything here.

Anyway, it's not an obligation for me to write pun and I think nobody read pun my entry ;p (tehehe).. tapi writting blog is one of my way to say out freely all that I've wanted to say..haha! that's the reason I write most of the time in this blog.

It's also long time haven't blog walking to others blogger's blog. Not because I am busy, but I am comfortable as it is, being in my secured & close zone. Lately I don't mingle around with people like the way I used to be. .. the reason? Being a couple without any kids make me feel incomplete. yeah.. I know it's bad right? I know it's just a feeling that you should not layan sangat. I know sgt2. Believe me when I say that I know it's bad to layan this feeling but talking about my own state of emotion, it is not that easy. Our emotion is not as tough as bricks. It's real life, always have dugaan and difficulty in it's very own way.

First of all, I am grateful for everything God gave us. With God mercy and blessing, and my husband have a very happy life together. My husband is very good to me, and I am grateful every single breath that I take.

Just one thing that keep on bothering me, we still waiting for Allah to grant us children. Yes, in other word, zuriat. To couple that bunting pelamin, I am happy to hear the news but at the same  time, I do envy of your happiness. I wish it is the same for us but unfortunately, not everyone got same dugaan.

Anyhow, today, merajinkan diri membaca blog2 orang lain. My reason is only one, untuk mencari ke-positivitifan daripada orang lain dan belajar mengenainya. However, I did read one artikel yang mengganggu perasaan ni personally. and it's really bothering me. My eyes feel blurry with tears dek kerana air yang bertakung kat soket mata. The reason becoz I feel soo frustated with one story about a mom who choose to abort/gugurkan her pregnancy just because it is unplanned. I try to put myself in her situation but unfortunately I failed to understand her. To cut the story short, a mother with two kids got positive result for pregnancy test for her 3rd child when the second child is only 5 months old. yada...yada...after the mother worried & thinking about many things (I would not elaborate here since I think it is too personal to be disclosed and also to avoid any fitnah), and finally she choose to abort the pregnancy. I am not in her place, and I don't want to be judgemental. But gosh...it's like a thunder struck and directly hit through my heart!

I wish.. how I wish Allah grant us children. No matter how many or how bad the situation is, I still prayed that Allah give me strength keep my path in his way. Even every time dengar berita tentang kes buang anak, I did cried and told to my husband. Sometime we both cried. but hey, nobody have to know kan? (except if they read my blog, which I think they might not ;p).

Now, we leave it to Allah and redha. Whenever Allah decides the best time, we will wait. Until that time comes, we'll be living happily everafter like fairy tales..Dang! it should be written as, ...."Until that time comes, we'll be living  like other couples do- fighting and making up..LOL ;p".

Although we don't have kids, but we do get our life busy. Don't get us wrong, sometimes people think childless couple have many luxury time on our own until we always been victimized for "wajib" to be here and there in most occasions that sometimes our presence does not really needed anyway. They just thought that since we have more free time as if "no children = more free time" that they can simply come into conclusion that we are the suitable candidate for working at weekend or attending kenduri kendara (although it's not in our social network). I don't mind anyway. Human is just being human anyway. What upset me the most is they see us as opportunity for them. In other word, "mempergunakan orang lain to fulfill their own desire". Well that's my sincere perspective on childless couple dilemma. Some people would not understand since they are not in our situation. I did not blame them but I wish that people are more sensitive towards other feelings.

As for now, we will try as best as we can, usaha mana2 yang boleh. We just keep on praying, if it destine to be ours, we will accept our fate. All this while I do feel uneasy and frustrated with the situation. However, who am I to questions. With all the blessing from Allah, I live quite well, got good job, a nice place to stay, I am healthy and eat well. Alhamdulillah. The only thing that I don't have yet, - c.h.i.l.d.r.e.n.

Looking at other people difficulty, mine is nothing compares to them. Everytime we went for kenduri kendara, I am very fortunate where I don't have much bad experience with makcik2 kepoci. Only once in a while I got some nasty questions. I didn't blame them for asking, maybe they are curious. Even I am curious at first, well I am healthy and still young and my menstrual cycle is regular every month. My family have no history of any infertility problem but who am I to question? In this blog, I shared my feelings - what ever happens, I am ready and redha. If Allah wants it to happen, it will happen, regardless how impossible or how illogical it will be.

Ok, I must thank you for reading this post. It's lengthy entry and so much heavy emotions. From now on, only two words applies to me; Sabar and Redha.

"Sabar itu paling indah bila redha itu ada di hati"

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